Haven’t been accused of copyright infringement yet? Consider yourself lucky. Direct TV, SCO and the Recording Industry Association of America are going after hundred of ordinary users. Soon, you too could receive your own certified letter threatening legal action. Sure, a lawyer would advise you to settle. But why spend $300 an hour when you can take matters into your own hands? Push back with your own intimidating missive. You can thank Wired at trial.—Mark Robinson and Adam Rogers

DearRIAAMPAA DirecTV SCO;

This is in response to the registered letter that you (the party of the first part) sent to me (the party of the second part) threatening legal action for “unlawful use” of copyrighted

musicvideo games codepornography

in violation of the

Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998
Electronic Communications Privacy Act of 2000
Global Net Piracy Act of 2002
expressed wished of Jack Valenti and Mitch Bainwol
This claim is absurd for several reasons. First, it’s well established that you industry has a track record of

making shows that suck.
fighting every new distribution technology.
producing bug-laden, bloated, virus-ready code.
gimmicky accounting and onerous artist contracts.
I don’t see how your finances are my problem. And furthermore, the material you claim I used illegally is protected by the common-law rule that

information wants to be free.
fair use covers everything I do.
TiVo is the opiate of the masses.
you can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread man.
In any case, if I did violate your precious copyright (and I’m not saying I did, because of the Fifth Amendment or whatever), I would have experienced numerous problems with your defective products. Said problems would have included, without being limited to,

getting the album version of 50 Cent’s “P.I.M.P.” instead of the 12-inch remix.
realizing this game is basically just Doom with Orcs.
discovering that the Buffy season finale was dubbed in German.
learning that Linux isn’t finished yet.
It seems a little strange that you’d target me. I mean, you represent gazillions of dollars, and I

can’t even pronounce “Gnutella.”
haven’t read Wired since 1998.
don’t use cheat codes on my PlayStation 2.
build free Wi-Fi networks while eating brown rice and lentils.
In conclusion, I plan to file motions, writs, restraining orders, et cetera, to force you to withdraw your

subpoena.
claim of damages.
cease-and-desist order.
distributed denial-of-service attack on my ISP.
You should really should know better. Suing your own customers is about as smart as

trading energy futures.
selling ads in the wireless ecommerce space.
charging $100 and $500 for seats on the same airplane.
claiming that “this boat is unsinkable.”
Sincerely,

_________

(Your Signature)

Copied from Wired 11|2003